Continuing on this ongoing roller coaster.

It seems like week after week I am stretched further and further. Just when I think that God is done digging, he finds something deeper to bring to the surface. A couple of days ago I was just in a really bad mood. I felt lost, I was questioning what in the world am I was doing here; I was frustrated that I looked like a bum all the time, was wondering why I couldn’t be living a ‘normal’ life back in the states; being on my own, doing my own thang on the weekends—enjoying life how I wanted to enjoy it. But then I get convicted of why I even came here in the first place. I came here because I felt that I wanted more out a life, a calling to live in a different country, a missions trip and now that my prayers have been answered, here I am complaining about the experience that I am having...so ungrateful Montana!

But what I was going through was more common with some of my DTS than not, so that was comforting to know that I wasn’t the only one and then Sunday morning service came around. We had to have things prepared for a local church; a drama, dance, rap and a testimony. I was in the drama and dance for the service, so of course on Sunday morning every little thing that could of went wrong with the dance was. The music couldn’t get cut, the internet was down at the base, I had no clean black pants AND when I was trying to put my hair in a pony tail my rubber band snapped...and so did I. I know that sounds so dumb, but I literally started tearing up. Tearing up that I was tired of 5 day a week class, tired of work duties, tired of living in community, tired of eating stuff that I didn’t want to—tired of everything!

But I have learned that I can vent, vent and vent--but what I do at the end of my hissy fit is what’s most important and the way I respond to these trials is what is going to grow my faith, my character and most importantly how I overcome any and all the struggles that are going to happen in my life. So in response to ‘my snapping’ physically and emotionally—I had my little rant but then ended with truths about God. That he is faithful, he is my deliver, he is putting me through this for a bigger purpose that I can’t see right now, but I trust in him and is going to stay obedient to what he has asked me to do for the time being, things like that, etc...

So after I got over myself and my feelings, my emotions, my whining, my brattiness, I started to look at the bigger picture of why I was doing the dance in the first place. The purpose of the dance was to show the reconciliation that God had given me. Reconciliation from self image, finding my identity of things of this world, and heartaches I had gone through. It was to show how God picked up the broken pieces, restored my distorted self image of myself, and has given me a purpose for my life and that’s what doing this dance was about. I have learned that the DTS is a decision, not a feeling; following God is a decision; not a feeling and doing things when I don’t want to is just part of my decision for being here.

Dancing and performing has always been so passionate to me and I never had the opportunity to dance solely for God—and I had forgotten that this was a direct answer of prayer...Before coming here I prayed that I would have more opportunities to dance and here God was giving it me on a silver planner and I was just being ridiculous and listening to all the negativity that was surrounding me—and now I know why.. Something changed in me that day. Something was released inside me that I never felt before. I felt totally and utterly consumed in God’s love and glory when I was dancing for him; that I never felt so filled with his presence then I did when I was dancing. Everyone else just disappeared and just God and I remained. It was the best feeling I had ever felt in my life. I was using the gift that he had given me, to worship him. Ahhhhhhh it was just simply amazing!

The car ride home I was just staring out the window thanking him for his love. I was just so twitterpated with God that nothing else in the world even mattered.